I hope someone’s here. Someone who I can spill out my words of hatred with, someone who will just simply touch my shoulder and then tell me that everything will be okay soon, someone who I think cares about me. The world is just so unfair. There are people who, in their difficult times, have someone to lean on and cry on their shoulders. But I don’t belong to those kind of people who are grateful enough that their friends or other family members are just-one-call-and-then-they’re-beside-you. Am I a bad person? Do I just really shut my world from my families and friends? Does the world itself hate my kind? Am I selfish to think of these things? It’s very hard to deal things on your own. It makes you feel….alone. I never felt alone before. Of course, hanging out with my friends during the happy times, going to school and see your professors and classmates, being home with your family members, and going out shopping with other people surrounding you, are exceptions. I mean well, that’s literal. But within me, I don’t know anymore. I just don’t.
I’m always having a good time when I read books (you may notice the abrupt change of topic). I even stay very late at night. I eat meals with my favorite book that I can’t wait to read the climax of it. I rather read books forever and ever and ever than study more about my course which is architecture. Until I’ve searched about the addiction of reading books. Pleasure and entertainment are one of the reasons why people love to read books, but as I scroll down the page on the computer, it read, ESCAPING THE REALITY. My eyes just read the line over and over. And then I thought, well, maybe that’s the very reason why I read so much. I am escaping the reality which I am telling above. The reality which are the devastations in our world and the feelings that are crumbling inside me which shatters me within.
I’m not into drama. I hated being involved in it. I even laugh at my friends and classmates when I read their posts on facebook about their break-ups with their boyfriends, the treachery of their friends, family matters, etc. But now as I’m writing this, I feel like I’m a drama queen. And I hated it so much. I posted what I feel now on facebook too. Maybe an hour already passed since posting them, and there are no comments on my posts. YET. I checked who among my friends are online. I only saw my classmates and buddies in college, but not the ones who I consider as my “real” friends since high school or elementary years. Will they even bother commenting on my posts or message me about it? Maybe even if they read it, they will just ignore it. Again, thinking about that makes me feel crap and worthless.
I had a best friend during my elementary days. We even vowed to each other that we will be best friends forever. But when we reached high school and college, I had no words from her. I added her on my facebook but we are not chatting with each other anymore. She’s on my list but I feel like she doesn’t exist on it. Maybe she feels the same way too.
So, now that I’m running out of words to write down what’s inside me, I think it’s time for me to stop it already. The computer and papers and pens are my “friends” during this kind of situation. I don’t open up with someone else because I don’t have that someone. That someone will be either a friend or a family member or excitingly,.. a ghost. (Oh I just realized now that that ghost is my mother ^_^)
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